NARNIA — Michael Buble accidentally wandered into Narnia this past week, after hiding in his manor-home wardrobe during an intense game of hide and seek. But the fun and games all came to a screeching halt when he bumped into Mr. Tumnus at the lamp-post and discovered that Christmas music, to his horror, is banned in Narnia, for it is always winter but never Christmas.
“NEVER CHRISTMAS?!?” shouted a straight up woke Buble, completely out of his normal charming and put-together character.
“That’s right”, said Mr. Tumnus, matter of factly. “Always winter, but never Christmas.
“BUT, BUT that’s not POSSIBLE. SO — SO what you’re telling me that people just — just DON’T listen to Christmas music here??” shrieked Buble, now borderline hysterical, frantically checking his Spotify For Artists numbers.
“Christmas music can’t exist without Christmas,” pointed out Mr. Tumnus rather plainly. “Who did you say you were again?”
The un-recognition during what is supposed to be his most reputable month of the year was just too much for Michael Buble to handle, and he fainted on the spot. He awoke hours later in a creepy log cabin to the most horrendous flute playing he had ever heard. After he forced Mr. Tumnus to cut it out with the flouting, he proceeded to explain that he was a globally successful music artist who only sings Christmas music. Suddenly Mr. Tumnus began to panic.
“We need to get you out of here, NOW! If the White Witch finds out who you are she’ll turn you to stone!”
They immediately fled back to the wardrobe entrance, where Mr. Tumnus gifted him with one last, highly unnecessary, flute solo. He then pointed Michael back to the wardrobe entrance, and as they parted ways Mr. Tumnus gave him a distant farewell: “Best of luck in the name of Aslan!”
“Ass-land? Creepy little fellow,” Michael thought to himself.
Unfortunately, Mr. Tumnus was as good with directions as he was with his flute, and the path actually led Michael straight into a mountain side wall, nowhere near his entrance. Since Michael was now lost and all alone, he sat down on a snow-covered rock and quietly began to sing to himself, between ugly sobs, “it’s … beginning … to look a lot like … Chris-Chris … ahhh I can't even say it.”
In that very moment something tragic happened: the King of Christmas Music lost all Christmas cheer. He realized he was likely stuck in Narnia for life, and decided to try and write normal, non-Christmas songs that the Narnians would like, in hopes of continuing his music career. But since he only knew how to sing and write Christmas songs — which were illegal in Narnia — it was bust, and he ended up living in the Narnian streets, only to be taken back in by Mr. Tumnus, forced to listen to his creepy flute solos for the rest of his days.
Merry Christmas, everyone.