FORT WAYNE, IN — You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, and here’s why: Sweetwater is reportedly clamping down on naughty musicians this Christmas, by replacing their complimentary bags of candy, with little bags of charcoal.
“I refuse to reward bad behavior with delicious candy,” spoke Sweetwater’s founder, Chuck Surack, passionately in an interview, “My customer sales reps clearly know who’s been naughty or nice, and we have the most advanced tracking software to prove it. Why leave it up to Santa’s “list”? That things definitely outdated by now.”
Chuck is so fired up over his war on Christmas naughtiness that he has even gone as far as to convert their Indiana headquarters into what he calls his ‘North Pole’, requiring all employees to dress up as elves and whistle while they work on the ‘toys’ (music gear).
Chuck, AKA ‘Sweetwater Santa’, has been seen donning a well-padded Santa suit, opting to only travel around his company headquarters via a tiny, dog-pulled sleigh.
So how do you know if you’re getting some sweet Bit-o-Honey or a lump of coal? From what we’ve gathered, it’s completely based off your Sweetwater Rep’s customer service record sheet. Here’s the qualifications for the naughty list:
1. Any customer who has purchased and returned a Sweetwater product at any time, just to keep the candy.
2. Anyone with the name Karen. No exceptions. (This one’s a little presumptuous, but we get it)
3. Anyone who doesn’t pick up the monthly check-in phone call from their friendly Sweetwater Rep.
4. Anyone who purchases or has purchased from Guitar Center, ever.
5. Anyone who has requested to receive only fireballs as their complimentary purchase candy. (Because they’re obviously insane)
“For those who receive a lump of coal, they can consider it a polite wake-up call to suck less,” continued Chuck in our interview. “And it pains me to do this, but if this bad behavior continues into the new year, they can expect to receive free Nickleback tickets with their future purchases.”
Our thoughts? Even if you do end up getting coal or even worse, Nickelback tickets, let’s be honest, it’s still better than Guitar Center.